I was here…

USS Moinester underway Nov 1984

1 November 1984: The frigate Moinester and the guided missile destroyer USS Richard E. Byrd (DDG 23) participate in a composite training unit exercise. (U.S. Navy photo DVID #DN-ST-87-01934 by PH3 J. Alan Elliott from the DVIC)

Most of the pictures I have of USS Moinester, the ship in which I served most of my active duty navy time, are undated, so I usually don’t know for sure if I was actually on board at the time it was taken.  Not so with this one!  I don’t remember the specific exercise, but this picture is definitely dated 1 November 1984—not only was I on board, there’s a good chance I was on the bridge at the time the photo was taken.

In the days of surface ship combat, destroyers fought in “divisions,” in tactical formations like line-ahead, line-abreast, and so on.  These formations were tightly spaced and ships were expected to execute high speed, complex maneuvers with crispness and accuracy.  These maneuvers were known as division tactics or “DivTacs,” and although long since obsolete in modern naval tactics were still practiced by destroyers and frigates to hone seamanship and ship handling skills, especially for junior officers.

The picture you see here was taken during a DivTacs exercise; probably, Moinester had just been given a change-of-station signal and was in the process of increasing speed and turning out of her line-ahead formation station towards her new station.  Perhaps I was the conning officer!

Posted in Miscellaneous | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Welcome

Bill at homeThank you for visiting my new-and-improved web site.  Why the change?  I like the blog format.  I have all the same static pages as my old site, but now I have an easy way to give you, my friends and family, updates on what’s going on in my life—those I’m willing to make public, anyway!  At some later date I may find a way to add a “trusted user”-only section for things I wish to keep private, but for now what you see is what you get.

Here’s the fun part:  you can add comments to my posts.  I’m not opening comments up to the general public, however.  In order to comment, you need to be logged in as a registered “subscriber,” which requires my approval.  If I don’t know you, don’t bother to ask, but if you’re a friend or a family member just email me and I’ll add you to the approved list.

I have also merged my former Work, Study & Prayer blog into this web site.  I may continue to post meditations on my prayer life, but at less frequent intervals.

Thank you, and God bless!

Posted in Miscellaneous | Leave a comment

Resentment

John’s gospel is the most difficult for me to wrap my head around.  Its structure and tone are quite different from the other three gospels—more abstract, more spiritual/philosophical, less dependent on narrative storytelling.  There is also a deep undercurrent of frustration and resentment that flashes into downright anger in places, one of which is today’s gospel reading, John 8:33-47.

Christians believe that Jesus is the mediator ...Image via Wikipedia

This is one of several discourses with “the Jews” (sometimes further narrowed to Pharisees) in which the Evangelist shows Jesus lashing out at those who reject Jesus’ teaching.  “Abraham is our father,” the Jews assert, implying that they are proper Jews and Jesus isn’t.  If they were Abraham’s children, counters Jesus, they would do as Abraham would, and he wouldn’t be trying to kill a man “who has told you the truth that I heard from God.”

Strong stuff, but Jesus is just getting warmed up.  By rejecting what Abraham would have done, Jesus continues, his detractors are not children of Abraham (“true” Jews) but children of the devil instead.  The passage ends with a very uncompromising and absolutist declaration that “Whoever is from God hears the words of God.  The reason you do not hear them is that you are not from God.”  This is the type of statement seized on by Christian fundamentalists as justification for marginalizing opposing points of view.  Of course, there is a flaw in their argument:  the assumption is that their point of view accurately reflects the words of God, and that therefore opposing viewpoints are ungodly.

Historical context is necessary when reading a passage like this.  John’s gospel is the last of the four to be composed, and was put together at a time when followers of Christ were being expelled as heretics from Jewish congregations.  Up until that time, Christians self-identified as Jews—the next step in Judaism, to be sure, but fundamentally an internal Jewish sect.  In the wake of the Temple’s destruction, however, Judaism had to determine what defines the Jewish faith absent the Temple cult.  The Nazarene sect (followers of Jesus of Nazareth), among others, found itself on the “not Jewish” list.  Given the situation with the Episcopal Church and with wider Anglican Communion today, it is not difficult to imagine what it feels like to be told “You’re not one of us anymore… go away.”  I, too, would be full of resentment and anger, and more than willing to lash out at those who excluded me with condemning theological arguments.

So what to make of this uncompromising “either you’re in or you’re out” look at Christ’s teachings?  Today’s epistle, Romans 13:1-14, helps put it in context for me.  Paul is not big on compromises, and his letters are full of fire-and-brimstone condemnations of all kinds of behaviors, but he understands that underneath it all is the most fundamental, most elemental, of all Christ’s teaching:

Owe no one anything, except to love one another; for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.  The commandments… are summed up in this word, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore, love is the fulfilling of the law.

That is the lens through which I view all the interpretations of scripture, both New and Old Testaments:  how does this help me love my neighbor.  If an interpretation does harm to my neighbor, then something isn’t right with that interpretation.

 

Posted in Spirituality | Comments Off on Resentment

Brother Sun

Today is the Feast of St. Francis of Assisi, founder of the Franciscan spiritual movement.  Francis is best known as the “patron saint of animals,” and many churches have special services today to bless pets and other creatures. 

Francis is a more complex individual than the one-dimensional “bird-feeder” image so often seen in popular culture.

Francis of Assisi by José de RiberaImage via Wikipedia

His philosophy, on which Franciscan spirituality is based, was radical in its simplicity:  Follow Christ’s invitation when he said, “If you wish to be perfect, go and sell everything you have and give it to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.”

Monastic orders at the dawn of the 13th century were generally very wealthy, and monks and nuns lived comfortable lives behind the walls of their generously endowed monasteries and convents.  The leaders of these orders were equal in rank to bishops, and lived lifestyles equal in luxury and deference as any secular lord.  Francis envisioned a different kind of religious life, one of intentional poverty in service to the poor and the needy of all kinds.

Francis saw God in all creation, and in all things created, calling them brother and sister.  It is tempting to view Francis as a medieval John Muir, celebrating the natural world and establishing the spiritual and moral philosophies behind the environmental movement, but this is an anachronism.  Medieval men, including Francis, did not view the world as we do.  Nevertheless, Francis was keenly aware of the presence of God in everything around him, and strove to live his life in the moment and in the place where he found himself.  Because, by living in the moment, he transcended time and touched something that lives outside all moments—God himself.

It is for this reason that I so love Francis’s Canticle of Brother Sun.  When I recite that prayer, it touches me on several levels.  First, it connects me to a very here-and-now series of images grounded in God’s creation; next, those images evoke memories of specific moments when each of the creations praised (sun, moon, air, water, fire, earth, goodness, and death) touched my life; and finally, it takes me outside those moments and into a very deep reflection of how each of them has shaped, guided and directed the course of my life.  And that leads me back to God, the dimly perceived motive force behind it all.

Posted in Spirituality | Tagged , | Comments Off on Brother Sun

Perfectly Unexpected

Note:  I have begun using Zemanta to add useful links and pictures to my entries.  Most of the non-citation links take you to relevant Wikipedia articles; I strongly caution that Wikipedia is often not reliable factually, but can serve as a useful starting point for further research on a topic. 

I’ve written before about the difficulty of walking in Christ’s footsteps.  Jesus’ teachings are challenging, to say the least, and today’s readings point once again to some of the most challenging of them all.

The Old Testament reading, 2 Kings 6:1-23, is a rather long and rambling collection of deeds by the prophet Elisha.  Towards the end, it relates an episode where Elisha, with God’s help, blinds a Syrian army raiding

A 6th century mosaic of :en:Jesus at Church Sa...

Israel and leads them into a trap where they are captured by the Israeli army.  The king then asks Elisha, “Shall I slay them?” (which would have been the normal way to deal with a captured force in those days) but the prophet tells him no, to instead give them food and drink and send them back to their master in Syria.  An unexpected act of kindness and mercy leads to an unexpected outcome: “And the Syrians came no more on raids into the land of Israel.”

Paul’s epistle, 1 Corinthians 6:12-20, is hardly a gentle remonstrance, rather a typical Pauline scold.  The thrust of his message is to handle disputes between Christians (“the saints”) within the community internally, not by lawsuit, but there are some subtexts that I find intriguing in Paul’s arguments.  For example, it is clear that one of the justifications made to Paul about why these lawsuits are being filed is that the members of community don’t feel adequate to the task of judging the merits of the disputes.  Roman law, like law today, was highly bureaucratic and complex, behind which stood the awesome edifice of ultimate authority, the State.  Roman citizens naturally deferred to authority not only in law but in daily life; a pater familias, after all, held the right of high and low justice against all in his household, a right that was both very arbitrary and yet also codified into Roman law.  Members of the Christian community, Paul argues, are not to be so slavishly devoted to authority, but are by God’s grace fully capable of judging disputes for themselves and amongst themselves:

Do you not know that the saints will judge the world?  And if the world is to be judged by you, are you incompetent to try trivial cases?  Do you not know that we are to judge angels?  How much more matters pertaining to this life!

This speaks to my individual conscience in a way that is hard to avoid:  Authority can’t determine for me right and wrong, good and bad, friend or enemy.  I am responsible for my choices, for making these judgments about myself and others.

Finally, there is the Gospel reading, Matthew 5:38-48, which contains the famous “turn the other cheek” lesson.  As I’ve written before, this admonition is greatly misunderstood as a lesson in passivity, an invitation to be a doormat for every bully and strongman that comes along.  Rather, it is an invitation to step outside the conventional and do the unexpected.  Jesus references Jewish law (“An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.”) but then asks his disciples to set authority aside and look into their own hearts for a response in tune with God’s grace.  The key, Jesus explains, is quite simple:  “You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

Really?  I struggle to be merely adequate, let alone perfect!  I can’t do this.  Yet, Paul says I can, that God’s grace gives me the ability to do things I’ve never contemplated doing before, and that it is my responsibility to step into the hard choices.  Elisha’s mercy towards the Syrians produced the right result because it was the right thing to do, even if unexpected and unconventional.

So where does this take me?  Perfection is an ideal easy to give up on and, no matter how inspired I may be by the pursuit of perfection, I honestly can’t say that I believe it to be possible.  But this is what God, through Jesus, does:  he reminds me that I am not perfect, that it is at my own peril that I grow complacent with my relationship with God and my level of commitment to living the Christ-like life.  There will always be a further step to take, a further hill to climb.  I sometimes feel like Moses, standing on the mountain and seeing, with sight that goes beyond what eyes can see, the promised land, but denied the actuality of it.  But that’s God’s other promise, also through Jesus:  I will get there, through the gateway of death, after a life lived in joyful tension between perfection and reality.

Posted in Spirituality | Comments Off on Perfectly Unexpected

Eight Years Later

9/11 is still raw.  I sometimes find it difficult to realize that the awful day was eight years ago, so immediate are the emotions and memories I have.  To have been a New Yorker on September 11th, 2001, is to have shared an experience all but indescribable to anyone who wasn’t there.  Like combat veterans, we can only nod that knowing nod to each other and acknowledge unspoken the horror playing on the insides of our eyelids.

For me, there are snippets of sights, sounds, smells and tactile sensations that string together to form my memories of the day.  I can construct a narrative of my experiences that include these snippets, but much of that narrative is formed by what I learned after the event—my memories are dropped into that narrative like illumination on a medieval manuscript.

Ground Zero Cross

Take, for example, the moment when the second plane exploded into the south tower.  The wrenching emotion of that paradigm shift from curious onlooker to citizen at war was so consuming that I have a hard time connecting to who I was before that moment.  I can close my eyes and see vividly the malevolent expanding cloud of black smoke and orange flame, and hear the sudden stillness of the crowd around me broken only by a collective gasp of disbelief.  Then there is the moment (if a “moment” can seem to last forever) when the buildings fell, an earthquake-like shaking of the ground and thunderous roar that grew and grew in volume and intensity until my entire body seemed caught up in it—followed by dead silence as clouds of dust blotted out sound and light completely.  I still flinch inside when a subway rumbles the ground under my feet.

Surrounded by such horror and dogged by such memories, it is easy to wonder what part faith has in all this.  It is easy to be angry with God for not preventing such evil to exist, for not making me safe.  The gift of free will, the gift of choice and responsibility, is a hard burden when the consequences of that gift affect not only me as an individual, but mankind as a whole.  In an eerie coincidence, in the BCP cycle of psalms assigned for the 11th of the month, the psalmist cries out (Psalm 59):

Rescue me from my enemies O God;
protect me from those who rise up against me.
Rescue me from evil doers
and save me from those who thirst for my blood.

But, really, is that what God is reduced to—a divine 9-1-1 responder?  I know that God cares for and about me; what I don’t know, and what I pray daily to discern, is the shape of that care, the path and purpose God wants for me.  God will not make that happen, rather I must.  I, not God, have the responsibility to find my mission and put it into action in my life.  I’m not alone in that quest; Christ’s example guides my steps and the urgings of the Holy Spirit light my way.

And I must accept that not everyone succeeds.  Some fail to find God’s path rather spectacularly, even willfully, and thus men do evil things.  So, like the psalmist, I pray for protection, but I know that I might not get it.  Perhaps another verse from the psalms would be a better guide, this one also from today’s readings (Psalm 56):

In God the Lord, whose word I praise,
in God I trust and will not be afraid,
for what can mortals do to me?

Fear, anger, sadness… the emotions of 9/11 are still raw for me.  They are, strangely enough, a gift from God, because in the depth of such emotion lies the crux of what makes us human, what makes us capable not only of horror but also tremendously brilliant, humane, loving acts of tenderness, mercy and healing.  I don’t always like having these memories and experiencing the emotions they evoke, but I fear more not having them—for if I had no emotions, then God truly would be absent in my life.

 

Posted in Spirituality | Tagged , | Comments Off on Eight Years Later

Humility

Being humble is greatly misunderstood. On the one hand, humility can feel like false modesty, a passive-aggressive means of self-promotion which attracts attention through acting like I don’t want it. On the other, humility can feel like weakness, a defensive self-effacement that allows me to fade into the background and escape the judgment of others. Today’s readings take a different look at humility as a measure of my relationship with God.

{{de}} Trappistennovize beim Gebet in seiner Z...

Humility as a religious practice sounds harsh because in its outward form it involves a conscious placing of the self beneath another, as the Latin root humus (ground) suggests. In religious communities, the vow of obedience is closely tied to humility; a monk subjecting himself to the rule of the order and to unquestioning obedience of the abbot does so in order to learn humility. The purpose is not to be cruel, nor is it to kill the ego or reduce the monk to an unthinking automaton, but to create a space within which he can build a productive and prayerful relationship with God.

What do I mean by this? In my spiritual life, it is easy for me to get distracted by the outward forms by which I practice my religion. I love the ritual, the comforting regularity of daily prayers and Sunday worship, the beauty of sacred music and art. When the forms become more important to me than the substance, then I have lost touch with the real purpose of my spirituality: to hear God’s voice and discern his will for me. In today’s old testament reading, 1 Samuel 2:27-36, God scolds the priest Eli for living high off the meat of sacrificed animals:

Why then look with greedy eye at my sacrifices and my offerings that I commanded, and honor your sons more than me by fattening yourselves on the choicest parts of every offering…?

It was common practice among many religions of the time which practiced animal sacrifice for the priests to feed themselves from “leftover” sacrificial animals, but this was considered an act of devotion, a partaking of the sacrifice not entirely dissimilar from the Christian Eucharist. The key to understanding God’s objection to what Eli is doing is in the phrase “the choicest parts.” It is one thing to feed himself and his sons with a modest portion of the sacrificial meat; it is something else to hold back the best parts, to truly sacrifice only the leftovers to God’s altar. A humble priest would take only what he and his family need, accepting the meat as a symbol of his service to God, not as a perk of office. Eli let the form trump the substance of his relationship with God by abjuring humility. Today’s gospel reading, Luke 20:41-21:4, continues this theme with Jesus’ condemnation of the scribes who “…for the sake of appearance say long prayers.”

Humility is really about how I see my relationship with God, and ultimately boils down to a simple question: Am I trying to serve God, or am I trying to have God serve me? I’ve quoted before the old saying that God answers prayers with what we need, not what we want. Humility, for me, is one tool I use to bring what I need and what I want from God into congruence. If I am in a state of true humility, then God’s will becomes my own—not because I have forced myself to “give up” my personal hopes and aspirations, but because I want the same things for myself that God wants for me. That is the essence of being humble.

Posted in Spirituality | Tagged , | Comments Off on Humility

Trusting in God

First, my apologies for neglecting this blog for so long. I chose to be lazy and not be disciplined or focused enough to put my thoughts into words; this is a long-standing shadow of mine, that I self-sabotage to justify calling myself a failure (my friends in the Mankind Project will recognize this!). 

Scripture has a habit of throwing out timely messages. Part of my rationale for starting this blog was that if I frequently write about my spiritual musings, especially in the context of the Daily Office readings, the mere act of writing them down will bring me closer to God, and closer to that part of the Holy Spirit which lives and breathes inside of me and each of us. I have to trust that the Holy Spirit will inspire me each time I sit down to write—and, low and behold, today’s readings are all about trusting in God to make clear the path.

Samuel 6:1-16 takes place during a period when the Ark of the Covenant had been captured in battle by the Philistines. Having taken the captive Ark home, the Philistines are then subjected to plagues and other calamities which convince them to send the Ark back to the Israelites. They want as little to do with the Ark as possible, so after loading it onto a cart they hitch up some oxen and send it off unguided down the road, trusting that God will deliver it safely into the hands of the Israelites; and, indeed, this is exactly what happens as the oxen take no wrong turns all the way to nearest Israelite village beyond the Philistines’ border.

Acts 5:27-42 takes place during the period after Pentacost.  The apostles have been teaching about Jesus all over Jerusalem in spite having been explicitly ordered not to do so by the authorities. Dragged before the council, Peter and the other apostles are defiant and assert that “We must obey God rather than man [human authority].” This enrages the council to the point where they are about to order their execution, until a Pharisee named Gamaliel asks them to reconsider. He reminds them that in previous cases where a man “rose up, claiming to be somebody,” his followers dispersed and disappeared shortly after the leader perished. “So in the present case,” he continues, “keep away from these men and let them alone; because if this plan or this undertaking is of human origin, it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them—in that case you may even be found fighting against God!” In other words: trust in God to reveal the truth.

The final reading, Luke 21:37 through 22:13, tells about the events leading up to the Last Supper, including Jesus’ instructions on finding a suitable place for the Passover meal. Similar to the story from Samuel above, Jesus tells them to simply trust that God will provide a space; and so it happens.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I have a great deal of difficulty with the concept of surrendering my will to God’s will. How do I know what God’s will is? Am I to make no decisions on my own, but just passively wait for miracles and signs to point the way? The answer to the latter question, for me, is an emphatic no. God, in my judgment, is not asking me to be passive or undecisive. The key lies in answering the first question. God’s will, unlike in scripture stories, is rarely clearly apparant. Discerning it takes work, prayer, and study, and even then may never be fully understood.

And this is the crux of surrendering to God’s will: taking the risk of following an incomplete understanding of what God intends for me, confident that the Holy Spirit will, in due time, guide me along the way. Surrendering to God’s will is not surrendering to a life of passivity; it is embracing a life that challenges assumptions, an active questioning of who I am, where I am going, how I will get there. There will be moments of doubt and confusion, and it is in those times that the Holy Spirit will be there to illuminate my choices and, deep in my heart, urge me towards those choices that march with God’s will for me. I will (and have many times) stumble, take wrong turns and get lost. Trusting in God, however, means that I accept the imperfect understanding I have of God’s will. Trusting in God means that I open myself up to a cooperative effort to find the right path. Trusting in God, ironically, means that I trust myself.

Posted in Spirituality | Comments Off on Trusting in God

Physical and Spiritual

Today the Episcopal Church celebrates John Donne, Priest, Poet and Preacher (1573-1631).

John DonneImage via Wikipedia

Donne is a fascinating character whose poetry, to the modern reader, occupies a disturbingly ambiguous middle ground between the erotic and the spiritual, between eros and agape. Reading Donne is like reading Shakespeare, his rough contemporary, in that the language is deceptively close to modern English yet uses words and constructions that have since shifted in meaning and context in the intervening centuries. Even understanding these shifts in vocabulary, however, doesn’t fully prepare us for his poetry. Underneath it all, Donne has a significantly different, medieval sensibility that was beginning to be outdated even is his own early-modern era, and is nearly incomprehensible to our post-modernist worldview.

This is the root of the seeming ambiguity between erotic love and spiritual love that permeates Donne’s poetry. Modernists of the 17th Century and onwards deliberately separated the spiritual world from the physical world, removing it to the realm of philosophy where it had no bearing on the modernist’s growing mastery of the scientific method and growing understanding of the physical properties of the world. Donne, in his older medieval mindset, does not separate the two. The physical is the spiritual and the spiritual is the physical. Love of God, to Donne, is not an antiseptic thing of pure mind, but is as earthy, fleshy and physical as love between a man and a woman. They are one and the same.

In my post-modern worldview, I am comfortable keeping the spiritual and the physical safely boxed apart, to be examined and marveled at only separately and on their own unrelated terms. Christ, however, challenges this concept, hanging on his Cross at the intersection of the physical and the spiritual; both God and man, incarnate in a time and place yet timeless and without spacial limits. Donne intuitively understands and celebrates this intersection.

I especially recommend On the Annuciation and the Passion Falling on the Same Day, which explores the deep symbolism of the rare years when the Feast of the Annunciation and Good Friday fall on the same calendar day (occurs only twice this century, in 2005 and 2016). In this poem, through the juxtaposition of opposites, Donne shows us that life and death, youth and age, beginnings and endings, are really the same: “As in plain maps, the furthest west is east…” Note how Donne refers to his soul in the feminine—again, conflating physical and spiritual, love of the spirit with love of a woman. In another line, he says, “Death and conception in mankind is one,” and I have no doubt that he uses the word “conception” fully aware of its sexual overtones, reminding us that our beginning and our end is rooted in earthy physicality, and is yet also the moment in which God gives and retrieves our own souls.

 

Posted in Spirituality | Tagged , , | Comments Off on Physical and Spiritual

Walking with Love

"ὁ θεòς ἀγάπη ἐστίν" ó theòs agape e...

Image via Wikipedia

Although Valentine’s Day originated as a church holiday celebrating the martyrdom of St. Valentine, the Episcopal Church at any rate doesn’t officially recognize the day. So, when I opened my Daily Office lectionary hoping to find something sweet and inspirational on the topic of love, I didn’t find anything of the sort.

Instead, what I found in today’s readings was 1 John 2:3-11. This passage from John’s letter illustrates how difficult it is to love and be loved as Christ truly wants us to be:

Whoever says, ‘I am in the light,’ while hating a brother, is still in the darkness. Whoever loves a brother lives in the light, and in such a person there is no cause for stumbling. But whoever hates another brother is in the darkness, walks in the darkness, and does not know the way to go, because the darkness has brought on blindness.

The obvious admonition here is to love each other, a commandment (as John acknowledges earlier in the passage) that is nothing new to Christians. But John’s take on this commandment points up how very difficult it is to escape from hatred. It is so difficult, in fact, that those caught up in it can’t see for themselves that they are not walking with Christ. The darkness is so blinding that the darkness itself is invisible.

I can fool myself, and frequently do, that I’m walking in the light of Christ even while I still cannot give or accept love. I look at those perceived as enemies and I cannot bring myself to truly love them; I cannot bring myself to truly believe that God, and others, love me. Ultimately, I have trouble loving myself.

Walking the way of Christ is difficult, as I and many others have said before. Perhaps the most difficult demand that Christ makes of us is, on the face of it, the most simple: love each other. This commandment, more than any other, defines what it is to be a follower of Jesus, and yet it is in our history the most violated and the most forgotten. God is love, the hymn goes, and where I can accept love and give love, there I will find God.

 

Posted in Spirituality | Tagged , , | Comments Off on Walking with Love